[Killing people? I don’t particularly think it’s painful…...I think that that part of me probably broke when I fell into the abyss. That’s why I can’t sympathise with you]
[........]
Towards Hajime’s words, Aiko’s face distorts in bitterness. Something important in Hajime was broken and, in a single strike, Aiko’s state of mind further tightened up.
[.....No one…..blames me]
[Eh?]
Aiko leaked out her voice as if she couldn’t endure it.
[No one blames me. The eyes of the children in our class doesn’t look at me any differently, as for the Kingdom’s citizens, they were looking at me with praise]
That was a fact. All classmates, had a strong impression from Hajime who was too gruesome in his battle, they didn’t really have much feelings about Aiko’s assistance in homicide, rather they were under the impression that Aiko fought for herself and took on the brunt of the load for their sakes, the Kingdom aristocrats and government officials were thankful that the brainwashing problem was solved.
[Though I’ve talked about it all to David-san and them, even they wanted a bit of time to think about and left it rather than immediately blaming me. Even though I robbed them of their important things]
Blood dripped from her lip that she bit. Aiko probably wanted to be blamed for it. The act of killing a person…..is heavy. As long as they’re not a maniac or rotten person, normally their minds would be hurt by the blades named guilt and ethics. So for such people, taking the blame and accepting the punishment, are in a sense a kind of salvation.
Aiko herself probably unconsciously seeked for that. However, that wasn’t given to her.
Although Hajime can agree that she played a part in overthrowing the church, he believed that even without Aiko, Teio would have still somehow managed to exterminate them someway or another, he thought that bearing the burden alone was a bit much, so as if he was troubled he scratched his cheek as he opened his mouth.
[Even if you say that, Sensei. The direct cause was due to Teio’s breath, Sensei only helped out a little? I don’t think you should take on the burden as if everything was your fault…..]
[Those kind of things don’t matter! I certainly…...understood the possibility of them being killed but I still helped Teio-san. That’s no different than directly murdering them!]
Unexpectedly, Aiko gave out her rebuttal strongly. Aiko herself probably felt ashamed that she raised her voice as she shrank down apologetically. Looking at Aiko with a side glance, after a moment of silence, Hajime calmly asked.
[.....Do you regret it?]
[~......No, at that time, I was resolute with Teio-san…..because I couldn’t overlook what the church was doing….to help you…..if that was left alone then the students would surely have had terrible experiences…..that’s why…..]
While Aiko was holding back a painful voice, she replied that she “Had no regrets”.
At that time, when she looked at Ishtar and them who had cornered Hajime, not just for Hajime but also for the sake of her students to not have to fight, her resolution to dirty her hands was real. Even now that was still unshaken. However, she was suffering while carrying the people who she’s killed on her back, it wasn’t something that reasoning could solve.
Hajime let out a small sigh that wouldn’t be noticed by Aiko as he glanced towards the side at Aiko who looked like she was suffering. Why did a teacher like Aiko reveal such heavy feelings to a student like me. Even though I only came here to kill some time…...he grieved in his mind.
And, suddenly, he recalled Aiko’s feelings that Yue and Shizuku pointed out earlier in the day and worried if that was the cause. It appears that Hajime was leaving Aiko’s student category in full-blast.
Hajime’s eyes were wandering around. He was completely looking for words.
[About Sensei, will you still be a Sensei from now on?]
[Eh?]
Towards Hajime’s abrupt question, Aiko’s expression unintentionally became blank. And she remembered that she was asked the same question once before. At that time, she should have answered with confidence, [Naturally!]
[..............]
Now she was unable to immediately answer. That was because she questioned herself if she should declare herself as a teacher after having killed people. Aiko was tightly clenching her teeth and her expression distorted. He understood that Aiko was having an extreme conflict whirling within her mind.
As if he expected it, on behalf of Aiko who couldn’t answer, Hajime began to talk.
[If, Sensei says that she’ll continue being our Sensei from now on…...will you listen to my selfishness as a student]
[Selfishness…..is it?]
Aiko who had a bad complexion and seemed to collapse at any moment, showed a perplexed expression from the words that came out of Hajime’s mouth.
[Yeah, my selfishness]
Hajime removed his sights from the monument while nodding and faced Aiko to match their eyes together. As she was being stared at Hajime, from somewhere within her, warmth was starting to well up and as if attracted by it Aiko also stared back.
After Hajime confirmed that he was firmly reflected in Aiko’s eyes, he slowly said his words. Exactly as Hajime said before, they were hopelessly selfish words.
[Sensei…..I want Sensei to feel guilty about it. I want you to shoulder it’s weight. Justly fighting, justly shouldering it, justly suffering, and justly complaining. To be human-like is slightly dazzling. I’m already unable to feel anything after all…...you’ll be a good example for me to not forget my “Humanity”. So that’s why, continue shouldering it from now on. I’ll properly watch such a human-like Sensei after all. If I do so then even after I return to Japan, I’ll be able to live humanely]
[Nagumo-kun……]
Aiko’s eyes opened up widely towards Hajime’s words. She would have never thought in her dreams that he’d not blame her nor cheer her, but instead tell her to continue suffering from now on. But, towards that selfishness, in a sense, made her remember the shock which came from killing as it formed ominous clouds within Aiko’s heart.
The results of her determination and actions were serious. All the more it was painful as well. She wanted to run away and almost became broken. Her natural character made it extra painful because she was determined and resolute.
But, when she looked at herself, she had people who were willing to help her. The important things that were lost, there’s a person who can’t feel but remember them.
Aiko thought.
------Ahh, how very selfish. What mercilessly gentle selfishness
A transparent drop ran down Aiko’s cheeks. Everything she’s endured up until now in order to not cry easily crumbled.